| October 1, 2010 October was our favorite month. We often went to Maine during this month. We hiked and biked and enjoyed the beauty of a fall colored rocky coast. Brad and I made many wonderful memories in October.Today begins the first of Octobers that I will no longer share with Brad. Yes I am crying again. For some reason I thought I would be able to let go of Brad and move on with life more easily. The challenge has been much, much harder than I'd ever imagined. I have felt God's arms around me at all times. But my heart aches to talk with Brad. To Hug him. To share with him. To make decisions for our boys with him. Our house is so different without Daddy. I so miss the clunk of Brads recliner, as he would put the foot rest down so he could scoot onto the floor to tickle Skylar. I miss watching him instruct Wayde in fixing the lawn tractor or the bus. I miss his laughter, his strong arms, his sparkling eyes. Most of all I miss the man who loved Jesus so. Healing from such a loss is just not possible. I know this now. But I don't believe one is supposed to heal. Rather, the bleeding heart remains compassionate for others who hurt. So as my heart throbs in pain may it ever prompt me to consider the hearts of others. The boys and I are overall doing well. We are seeking God's face and direction as we continually endeavor to serve Him. I do find myself wallowing in self pity more often than I care to admit, but the boys are so good at pulling me through. I praise God for them everyday. God has given us a gift. A servant heart. Samantha is Wayde's fiancé. She has been to me as Ruth was to Naomi. I have been discipling her as she is saved one year. But she has been trusting God so faithfully that she has become a strong tower to me. An exemplary believer of God's mercy truth and power. To God be the glory. My family, mom and dad and sisters and aunts and uncles have enveloped us with love and care for which we are grateful. Our friends have cared for us over and over. Brad's family is aching but getting through one day at a time. I am continuing to write the book "Lord I Got You". It is a greater challenge now as I long to have Brad with me. I will soon send out a small newspaper. It will have many stories that will encourage us to stay focused on Jesus. This will be called "The Hummingbird". The Hummingbird publication recieved its name when God sent a Hummingbird for me. As it sat breifly I stroked it's back. It was a comfort and a promise to me. A promise that for a season I will rest. But as the Hummingbird rested only long enough to be touched I too will rest only a short season. As the Hummingbird must fly busily I too must be about my Father's work. Please continue to pray for us. Love you all in Christ Jesus. |